Thursday, April 3, 2008

The End

Well, it’s done. Finished. Over. Mom just called and they signed on the dotted line. The phone call went like this: “How are you?” “Tense. Well…” “Well, we signed on the dotted line, before the judge. He said the papers will go through and will be sent to the lawyers in the next few days. I don’t know if this is the official day, or if it will be officially done in the next few days.” At this point I felt like I should be crying and so sad. At the same time, shouldn’t I feel relief? This has drug on for three years. I felt myself getting a little choked up…again, not certain how I was supposed to react. “Wow.” “Ok, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.’

It doesn’t really matter if the official paper work is completed tomorrow or the next day. For me, April 2nd will forever mark the end. The end of so many things that haven’t even “been” in years. Things like sitting at the foot of my parents bed and talking, or sitting together at the kitchen table, eating cheese and crackers and talking about life. I remember like it was yesterday…Mom cutting and sautéing, Dad sitting in his chair at the table. Me and T, K, and A piled in there as well. We’d devour whatever appetizer Mom had set before us and she’d swoop in for a bite every now and then. She jumped at the opportunity to refill a glass. It was lively and comfortable. I felt safe. We won’t have that again. We’ll never all sit together in church. At a funeral last fall, both of my sisters, my dad, and I all sat in the same pew. I closed my eyes and let my heart go unchecked for a few seconds and I imagined my mother was sitting there with us and that we were whole again. Then the tears threatened to flood and I jolted myself back into reality. We’ll never have another family weekend at the lake. We’ll never share another holiday meal together. Why do I even mourn over these things? They are all tinted with hurt and anger. It’s the realization of everything I ever thought was, wasn’t. It’s the death of so much that I hoped and longed for…I’ve known it was coming…but I kept hoping…

God didn’t work the miracle in my Father’s heart that I’ve so desperately begged Him to work. However, He has worked in amazing ways in my Mother’s heart. She is a different person. We talked at length last night and she amazed me with her strength.

This wasn’t my plan. This isn’t how I wanted things to go. There are times when I have to swallow hard, as bitterness threatens to spew. This past fall our chimney sweep came for an inspection. His wife had passed away nearly a year earlier. He was still wearing his wedding ring and expressed to us how much He misses her. Almost two years ago I sat across from a vibrant couple at a luncheon following the funeral of a dear friend and neighbor. This couple obviously loved one another. They talked on and on about their precious granddaughter. I felt so jealous. Why aren’t my parents like that? Why don’t I get to go home and see my Mom AND my Dad? Little did I know they were fighting their own battle. She had been fighting cancer for years. I feel surrounded by friends whose parents love one another. I’m embarrassed to admit how hard it is at times to see that love. I should rejoice and instead I hurt. I do not understand God’s plans.

I still think back to that Sunday afternoon when Dad moved out. We stood for hours on the sidewalk in front of my parents’ house. Me and T, K and M. So much water has passed beneath that bridge…

But, the story isn’t over. God is faithful. God is just. He is awesome and mighty and He holds the Kings’ heart. At any time He can pierce my Father’s heart. At any time He can make the broken whole. He can restore the years the locusts ate. He is my rock and my redeemer, my refuge and my hiding place. I am so thankful that He does change people. He may never prick my Father’s heart. Tonight, as I grieve what is gone, I am still at peace. He is sovereign and I rest in that. In fact, I delight in that. Praise Him, for He is good! How tender and how sweet is He. I must not forget that He is also dangerous and fierce and just. He is God and He is my Abba, Father.

And I thank God for my precious baby boy! I cannot believe he is one! It’s kind of funny…last year my doctor wanted to induce me March 25th, and I said no. We had to wait until at least after the 27th so T and I could enjoy our birthdays (I’m selfish, I know.). So they planned to induce on the 28th…but that was supposed to be my parents day in court…and it looked like it would take a few days…so we waited and I agreed to be induced April 2nd. Kind of interesting that their day in court was just another day, until this year…and it all came to an end on April 2nd, T3’s first birthday!

Back to the birthday…we sang to him and gave him his gift from us! A four wheeler! It’s so tiny MW is too big for it! T3 is having a blast with it. He doesn’t quite have it down…all he has to do is push a button and it goes…a whopping 2mph. That doesn’t sound fast, but bent over and waddling around the driveway with him and this toy between my legs makes 2mph pretty fast!

We’ve got family coming in town Saturday to celebrate his birthday! Yea! I still don’t have my menu prepared…guess my mind's been on a few other things. I’m thankful for a diversion!

To my little man…Happy Birthday! You are my treasure and I am crazy in love with you! You amaze me! Everyday, I marvel at the miraculous wonder of you! You are a gift from God. You are a miracle! I cannot imagine life without you!

Father, thank you for my son! What a blessing. What a treasure. What a miracle. I don’t understand the “why” of the events You carried us through before we had T3, but I know if you hadn’t carried us through those times, we wouldn’t have this precious boy. Thank you for the miracle of his life. Thank you for choosing to give us him and him to us. May we be faithful to raise him in the fear and admonition of You. Please give us wisdom to train Him in righteousness. I long for him to know You and to worship You. I pray you will grow his roots deep and that he will not be easily shaken. Please guard him and keep him safe, and yet please allow trials to come into his life that will sharpen and refine him. Please mold his heart and give him a hunger and thirst for you. Please guard his heart and give him self-control. Please protect him and keep him. I pray that he will be pure in heart and deed and that he will grow to become a Godly man. Father, may his life bring You glory. Thank you for our precious T3. You are good. Thank You!


  1. WOW!!!
    And the tears of joy flow.

  2. WOW!!!
    And the tears of joy flow.

  3. I just saw this in your "linkwithin". I think you look incredibly beautiful for just having a baby! Not fair! I looked beyond haggish. LOL!