Endings and Beginnings

My heart is in a few different places tonight. I have so much freelance work to do and yet I can’t seem to focus on it. It’s piled high and it’s just waiting, everyday it grows a little more…after I post, I’ve got to get my laundry going…and then freelance, but my heart keeps reminding me that tomorrow will most likely mark the final ending of my parents’ marriage, as well as the first birthday of my little man.

About the freelance work, I have deadlines of Thursday and Friday on three different projects. Somehow, I’ll get it done. Right now, I just need to let my heart breath a little.

For the last three years, on roughly a dozen eves, I’ve cried myself to sleep, knowing that the next day might bring an end to my parents’ marriage. They’ve had so many trial dates set, and the dates come and they get bumped off the judge’s docket and into the next available slot. Oh, it’s been plenty painful. So every time, the tears come and I just can’t stop them. I understand why God hates divorce…it rips families apart. The night before the last time Mom and Dad had a trial date set, I pulled out every family photo I had and shuffled through pictures of ballet recitals and trips and Christmas mornings…the memories came flooding in and I mourned. This isn’t meant to be a “feel sorry for me” post. It just hurts so badly. It leaves me so raw. And yet, I know that God is sovereign and that nothing is out of His control. I believe that with every fiber of my being. I know it to be true. So, the funny thing is, I feel at peace tonight. I’m not crying. I’m not flipping through pictures. I’m sad, but I’m at peace. I’ve harbored this hope that God might work a miracle. Every time the trial has been postponed, I have begged and pleaded with God to change hearts, which would in turn change actions, and to work a miracle. To do what man cannot do. So the hope has grown…and tonight, I cannot explain it, but my heart is at peace. Oh, I still hope God will work a miracle. However, I am content to rest in my Savior’s arms, to bury my face in His neck with my eyes shut tight, and to cling to Him.

And then there is little man’s first birthday tomorrow! Wow! God is so precious to give me something so wonderful to focus on! I can barely believe that merely a year ago I was curled up in a hospital bed, writing a letter to the miracle growing in my belly…wondering if it would be a he or a she…to think how my life has changed in 365 days! Before T3 was born, as in on the eve of his birth, I was terrified I’d have to divide my love between two children. I felt like I was taking love away from MW…whatever! Babies multiply love! What a gift he is. God is so good. He is fierce and He is dangerous, and He is good.

His plans are so NOT my plans and yet, I am so thankful that He IS. I feel overwhelmed knowing that He sees me in all of my nasty sin and He loves me. He knows my heart and He loves me. How can you describe that kind of love? You can’t. Words aren’t adequate. Unearned love…whoever heard of such a thing? Grace…how in the world? How wonderful and awesome is He?!