Hi. It's Me.

Hello, hello. We are all still here and I am actually writing a "for real" blog post! (A veerrrrry long for real blog post.) Woop woop! I suppose that's what happens when you think you're in labor due to seven - YES, SEVEN hours of contractions (this past Sunday)...kind of motivates you to finish off all those little last minute things...like painting the last coat on the closet trim and ironing the last of baby's gowns, etc. And when those things are off the check list, well, hello blog!

That was us this past Sunday. By eleven o'clock that night The Engineer was in a nice button down, my bags were completely packed and I'd put on some fresh makeup. The car was vacuumed, the carseat installed. We were ready to load up and go...and my contractions began to slow down and eventually puttered out completely. I think the children were more disappointed than we were. 

Earlier in the summer, the children "camped out" on the floor in Little Man's room...we got them all down and settled for the night, waited a little while and then yelled, "ICE CREAM RUN!!!" And boy did they pep up...came flying down the stairs in pajamas, threw on their shoes, and off we went. It was a fun night!

This summer has been crazy! So much fun. So busy. Lots going on. Lots of people visiting. Lots of projects begun and almost...almost completed. 

The girls both celebrated birthdays. For Sister's ninth we made the trip back "home" to our old digs...we stayed with our dear friends with whom we used to be neighbors. 

We spent a good chunk of Saturday at the pool with friends. 

It was so sweet to see so many precious old friends! Oh we miss them!

Little Man still isn't afraid of the diving board...(despite jumping backwards off this very board and biting clear THROUGH that patch between his bottom lip and chin two years ago)

The children cracked me up...they all intentionally saved their money to buy ice cream at the pool. Some things just need to be savored. And this was a BIG deal!

Happy Birthday sweet Sister!!! You are a treasure! A precious gift from God. It is such an honor to get to be your mama. We love you so much and are so proud of you! 

While we were there, we got to walk through our old house. I cannot explain the world of good that did me!!! We love the couple who purchased it and it was such a treat that they let us come back in and walk through and ask questions and check out all they'd done. It's like everything we had planned to eventually tackle, they've either tackled, or have on their "to do" list. They put down hardwoods upstairs...with the bead board we'd installed and everything painted a fresh white - y'all, it looked AMAZING!!! It did my heart good to see how much they love the house and to see their sweet little family settled down there.

Sunday morning a friend picked me up early for breakfast...while waiting, I snuck next door and sat on the porch swing and let my mind drift back...all the babies we brought home there! The memories of laying all that brick...of the fourth of July we spent crouching down bricking that porch and those steps...of my amazement at The Engineer and his skills as he worked that herringbone pattern on the front porch...strapping Little Man to my back while I tilled the front beds and planted boxwood. I wandered over to the sidewalk we'd poured and traced our handprints. It was just a really sweet visit. And I can finally say that I've let her go. I am so happy and thankful for the journey...the family the Lord brought to that house...our time there, etc. He is so gracious and so good to us.

Four days after Sister turned nine, Little Bit turned four. Y'all...it was quite the par-tay! She wanted a "Hello Kitty Dress Up Birthday Brunch" with a puppy dog cake. Ha ha. Mama and my MIL helped dress the dining room for the occasion.

Unfortunately the puppy dog's face - which was made up of 100% icing, pretty much slid off the dog. I mean, the dog was looking pretty rough. (No pun intended.) Mama suggested adding eyes...because the dog's had melted off - or something. So I got out a jar of gum balls and was just about to place some dark colored eyes on when Little Bit came in and insisted the dog have pink gum ball eyes. I mean - the dog looked slightly possessed, but Little Bit thought it was awesome! And that's what mattered!

Her expressions kill me!!!

We ALL dressed up for the party. The Engineer was Clark Kent. Little Man may not have dressed up...I'm struggling to remember now. The girls were "princesses." Little Bit has all these precious pastel dresses...the day of the party, girlfriend came down in a red, cream, and gold dress - complete with holes from years of love. Sigh. She was happy. And wanted her hair in "pink tails." Again - she was happy and it was her big day and we were celebrating her and that is what's important.

Happy Birthday Little Bit! You are a treasure and we love you dearly. We are so proud of you and I am so thankful God made me your mama!!!

The week between the girls' birthdays, our sweet little neighbor from back home stayed with us. His mama and daddy made the drive to pick him up the day of the party. It was so fun to see them again!!! (I'm so hoping she doesn't kill me for posting that pic!) (wink, wink) 

Little Bit worked hard and saved her money and bought her own skates!! I cannot believe we've not had an ER trip yet. She's a little more convinced of her abilities than reality would confirm. She's also made a menu and is in training to work at Sonic...on roller skates. 

The fourth of July was awesome! We went to the annual neighborhood picnic and parade. Sister got to help hand out balloons. Mama was here that week! It rained EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We even did yard work in the POURING rain. I'm not complaining. Summertime pregnancy is hot. That rain felt wonderful!

LOVE this girl! 

Little Man managed to make several trips back to the house...he needed his bike, scooter, and rip rider. Because, you know, it's not enough to have one mode of transportation when the streets are blocked off and you can ride like a maniac. Truly, I couldn't watch him. He makes my heart race. He rides fast!

He and The Engineer seem to be thick as thieves. I can't tell you how excited Little Man gets every day during math when we go over the calendar...and he figures out how many more days until Daddy will be home for the weekend! Because that typically means some type of project! Here they are making a duct tape case for Little Man's Bible. Awesomeness.

OH this kid. He had a legitimately loose front tooth. There was a lot of drama leading up to the actual extraction...

Shortly after losing it, he and Sister collided and he hit his other front tooth hard on her head...and began working it. And pulled it. And then I caught him working the teeth on either side of the now gaping hole. And I put an end to that. A few days later, he lost another loose tooth. That would be three in a week. 

Sister had a friend spend the night and they got breakfast in bed...so the younger two piled in our bed for the same. Nothing like cartoons on the ipad and breakfast in bed.

The hair...the makeup...the dress...the baby...Little Bit is a "mama" and has taken to bathing EVERY SINGLE "baby" she can lay hands on. I'm so on the fence...the mess drives me insane. Water everywhere! And yet she's four and this will pass quickly. So for now...there seems to be a constant pile of "babies drying."

Crazy man. Need I say more!?

More baby bathing. This time mermaids...in Daddy's workshop bucket...that Little Bit somehow ended up stripped down and inside of...with the mermaids. 

Another weekend project...this time they built a cross without nails. The Engineer taught Little Man how to use a chisel...

Love these guys! And I'm so thankful for a husband who loves our kiddos so well.

No - they were NOT getting married. I've been told sometimes girls wear veils when they are on really fancy dates. Btw, that's the dress I wore to our rehearsal dinner. Ooo-la-la!

Now, this same day, and while in their fancy clothes, the children decided it would be advantageous to locate the spot where they'd buried "Sammy the mole." I pleaded with them to let Sammy RIP, but they prevailed. They just wanted "to see what he looks like now."

So Little Man began digging. I told him he could dig one hole and if that wasn't the right spot, too bad. Y'all, the boy dug and dug. He was convinced Sammy must be just a little bit further down. We are talking about three feet. He was down to his shoes and pants and had sweat just pouring down his face and chest. Finally he admitted he must've had the wrong location. I told him to fill the hole back in...a tad later he called me to see the now filled hole...and sticking out of it was about a foot and a half of handle from a yard tool. 

I told him to dig out said tool...which ended up being a hoe. And the boy dug. And dug. And dug. He wiggled that handle. He pulled on it. He dug some more. Nothing. He couldn't get it out. The Engineer was due home in another fifteen or so minutes. I assumed he would help Little Man...only he refused and told Little Man, "you buried it, you dig it out" and went on to cut and edge and blow the yard. And just as he was finishing, Little Man employed the post hole digger...the poor kid, his pants were sagging well below his crack from the weight of sweat and dirt...he finally got that hoe out. 

He says he will "NEVER bury another tool again."

Sister has been reading Charlotte's Web to her sibs...unbeknownst to me...until I stumbled on this. She's so cool.

Little Man bought a gyroscope. He hasn't quite mastered spinning it on top of his head...

But he's got the forehead down.

This past weekend The Engineer surprised the children with wood carving kits. This is something Sister has been asking for for quite some time. He started the kids off carving on wax. 

Little Bit was given tiny screw drivers and a bar of soap. This kept them busy for quite some time. Sister definitely was the most "into it."

And when all was said and done, there were tiny bits of wax and soap EVERYWHERE...and once stepped on, that wax didn't just "sweep up." I struggled with my attitude and pulled the classic martyr card. Ugh. I hate that I do that. I have a really hard time in the clean up department.

Yesterday we learned a little color theory during school...so MUCH fun!!! And I remembered why I love prang watercolors so much more than crayola...the pigments are waaaay richer!!

So...baby is due August 25th. However, my OB is fairly certain I won't make that date. When I told her about all my contractions this past Sunday, she told me, had I gone in, they probably would've broken my water and we'd have a baby now. Hmmm...

I've been so reserved...or guarded in my emotions towards this little one. It's reminded me a lot of my pregnancy with Little Man. After two losses back to back, the night before I gave birth to him, I was convinced he'd be stillborn or that something awful was going to happen. And now, after our last loss...I've been more on the reserved side...holding back a bit. Okay, a lot. But I remember vividly when they placed Little Man on my chest and my reservations melted and love filled up and spilled over. It happened immediately. I know it will happen again. I just feel somewhat guarded right now. Not wanting to get too excited. I don't want to feel pain like that again. The sting of losses past and the knowing that He gives and takes away are sobering. I think that's part of why it took me so long to get moving on baby stuff...like getting a carseat and getting the newborn clothes down out of the attic, etc. 

I know God is good. I know He is sovereign. I also know His ways are not our ways. Loss hurts and I don't want to go there again...yet I want His will. And if that means tasting loss again, then let us drink deeply and embrace His call on our lives. So it's been a struggle...holding this little one with an open hand. I think that's part of why we still haven't settled on a name. My children still ask me (as in yesterday!), "Mama, what will we do if this baby dies?" And we talk about God's faithfulness and His mercies and that He is sovereign and Romans 8:28 is really true. And that no matter what, we can trust and rest in His goodness and faithfulness. Even when the pain is deep.

All to say...it's taken a while, but I think my heart is finally in that place of being ready to birth this little one and to enter this next chapter...to embrace whatever He has in store for us.

So y'all...I kind of can't wait!!! (And at 4cm and 80% effaced...I'm thinking (hoping) baby can't wait either!!!)

PS I knocked my 50mm lens off the top of the fridge - I had it there to protect it from little hands. Ha ha ha. I would be the one to knock it off. And now every shot is slightly blurry. Boo. I'm so sad to have to send it off for repairs right now!!

Almost As Good

Me: "When you complete your math lesson school will be over...except you need to read for a bit."

Sister: "Oh mama! I always read. I loooove to read. It's almost as good as bacon."

Now that is saying something. 

PS Pertaining to the above photo...try as we might, we just couldn't find the right spot for our favorite swing. The thought of donating or selling it just made me sad. And then I mentioned it to a friend...who happened to have the perfect spot. Can I tell you how happy it makes me to know they are enjoying it!?!? And it's no longer sitting in my garage...waiting to be enjoyed!? Yay!

PSS Catch a glimpse of baby! Little Man, despite my directions NOT to watch until

the screen was turned toward us, watched my entire ultrasound. We walked out to the waiting room and he announced, "It's a girl. I saw and it's definitely a girl." Time will tell (5wks) whether or not this boy has a future in radiology/sonography.

We've Got A Lot To Talk About

Goodness, y'all. I feel like I need to take a really deep breath before we get going here. I have lots to share with you. I feel like I've been absent for a while. I've posted, but kept my heart on a tight rein. Part of me feels like I've been keeping secrets from a close friend. But the truth is, all that's happened over the last three to four months has taken my heart on a roller coaster ride. I've needed some time to process and breath and to be reminded that God is sovereign and good and in control. 'Cause y'all, I am NOT.

January 12 marked the one year anniversary of losing our precious little one. That takes me waaaay back...back to when we first shared our struggle to have another child...it's been a looong road. And y'all have been so sweet each step of the way. I'm so thankful for you.

On the day we said, "I do," we knew we wanted four children. And then as time passed and we enjoyed the blessing of children I started to want five. And I thought I must be crazy. And then one day, we were at the red light close to our mechanic's shop and the Engineer looked at me and said, "I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but I really want five children." And I just about jumped out of my seat and screamed, "I've been wanting the same thing!" And that was in the midst of pleading with God for a fourth child.

As time passed and the Lord deepened the desire for more children in our hearts, we began seriously praying about adoption. We researched agencies and countries and read blogs and prayed about adopting. Was that something He was calling us to? We were open to it. And yet He never gave peace in that regard. Even after a year and a half of pleading with Him for a little one, we felt He was telling us not to adopt.

So what to do with this ache and desire in our hearts? At that point we were broken and we finally let go. The cadence we lived by was a prayer, "though we can't comprehend how three is better than four, not our will but Yours be done." Over time, He brought us to that place of truly wanting whatever it was He had for us. And we stopped pushing our plan.

So yeah, at that point, He gave us a baby. And we were dumbstruck. Could. Not. Believe. It. No wonder He'd not given peace as we considered adoption. He had other plans.

We hit twelve weeks and my OB predicted a boring, "normal" pregnancy. Everything looked great. And I went be-bopping in at 17.5 weeks for a routine visit...in and out...and we received the heartbreaking news that our little one had died. It felt like the earth stopped spinning. Everything happened in slow motion.

He flat out shattered us. And it was horrible and it was beautiful because He did things in our hearts that only He could do. I've shared so much of that journey here...point being...we've continued to plead...and His answer has continued to be, "I love you. No." But He never would take away the desire.

Adoption has stayed on our minds and hearts. It's something we've continued to research and pray about. After our loss last January, The Engineer was ready to begin the process, but assured me if I wanted to keep trying, he was good with that as well. I wanted to keep trying.

We made radical changes in our diet. I began running and lost the extra weight I'd been carrying. I started taking a handful of vitamins and supplements...I went in for blood work. Everything seemed to be working perfectly. At that point the desire to adopt was growing stronger in my heart. And in his. Almost to the point of being relieved each month to learn I wasn't pregnant. And that totally confused me.

November came...still no baby. All of this has convinced us that He opens and closes the womb. He is the giver of life. And it seemed apparent that He had closed my womb. And for the first time ever, we were okay with that. I was okay with that.

My baby sister called to tell me she and her husband were expecting. And in my heart - I rejoiced. I didn't have to fake it and get off the phone and cry. It was honest...rejoicing.

We'd already done gobs of research and knew which agency we wanted to go with. And so in November, we began the process to adopt...TWO BABIES!!! A boy and a girl.

And our children were BESIDE themselves!!! Little Man would finally get a brother and the girls would get a sister...they were THRILLED!!!! The Engineer and I had such peace in our hearts. We were excited. Super excited. Nervous, too. Actually, I was the only one nervous. Not about actually adopting, but about calling to tell the fam we'd decided/felt called to adopt. It was terrifying...telling them we wanted to adopt one would be nerve wracking enough, but two!!!...well...it made me sweat. A. Lot.

My sister asked me why I was so nervous...I explained that I am well aware we look like insane fools to most of the world. Not everyone will share our perspective on adopting. She reminded me Noah probably looked a fool building that big boat in his front yard. But - he was doing what God was calling him to do.

After lots of prayer and quite frankly, just seeing what we could handle (open or closed adoption, domestic or international, time traveling, etc.), we decided to pursue adopting from China. And so we began our journey!

We are in the "home study" phase. Early December marked a great first interview over the phone with our social worker and someone from the adoption agency. Oh my. They asked a lot of questions about a lot of stuff and assured us that was only the beginning. (smile!) On that particular night we had to discuss what led us to this place of being ready to adopt...we had to share our struggle to become pregnant, our losses, and about God's never ending, never changing, always and forever the same faithfulness. It was hard. And it was good. And at the end of the interview, we "passed." And we were pumped.

The very next morning I took a pregnancy test. And. It. Was. POSITIVE.

And I laughed. And I cried. And I was so stinkin' angry. I mean...what the heck? Why would God do this? I called The Engineer. I was crying. He was SO. EXCITED. I was so scared. So afraid. I didn't want to go through a loss again. And I mean, seriously, how in the world did this happen? We were being careful because not to be careful made me feel like we were playing Russian Roulette. My heart was attached to a little Chinese boy and girl I had yet to meet. And so we were being careful. And you know what? We don't have ANY CONTROL. Because you know what??? God really does open and close the womb. Not us.

I called an acquaintance who I knew had lost a baby much further along than we had. We'd spoken a few times, but were certainly not close. And so my phone call went something like this, "I know we don't know one another well, and I know you went through a loss much later than we did. I have no idea if you're comfortable talking about that. I know you love Jesus. I'm pregnant. I'm scared of losing another baby. Help." And she spent a chunk of time on the phone with me and shared her heart and what God had taught her. She reminded me that He is mindful of our frames...that we are weak. She prayed with me. I cried. It was good to hear truth.

I felt guilty for not jumping up and down with the news we'd spent YEARS longing to hear. And in the days that followed that conversation I spent a lot of time talking with the Lord and was finally able to put words to feelings...

From the last eleven years of life I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is sovereign over every little thing. There is nothing that happens apart from His will. Even the hard, bad things that happen - like our baby dying - He rules over all. He decrees all. That was part of His will. And He promises that He is using all things - even the really stinky, hard stuff - for good in the lives of His children who are called according to His purpose. He cares a heck of a lot more about my holiness than He does my happiness. I am thankful for that. Even though sometimes it stinks in the short term and certainly isn't how I would do things.

And so I want His will. Even if His will is hard. Because His will is good. Even when it doesn't seem good to me. God isn't a man. His ways aren't like our ways. He sees the beginning from the end. He sees the entire tapestry He is weaving. And I trust Him. I know Him to be good and kind and just and gracious.

And so I know that should He call us to another loss, He will see us through. But my fear - the "my heart is in my throat" moment for me - is the thought of what another loss would do to our children. Sister struggled so with anger and bitterness. I think my heart would break - that I would physically ache for her, should she endure another loss like the one before.

But then I know too, that my children cannot borrow our faith. They must own it. They must trust God. The Engineer helped me sort through this...and I am in a place of pleading with God to protect our hearts, to keep them tender, especially our children's hearts - particularly if His will is for us to lose this little one. And I am in a place of knowing that He sees the bigger picture. He is good and wise. I trust Him. I trust Him with my children.

And so on to the business of rejoicing...for my womb, a place of death and decay, has been given LIFE by God!!! I've seen this little one moving. I've seen baby's heart beating. I've heard the lub-dub. And that is something to rejoice over!

We called our adoption agency to tell them the news. And here's the crazy thing...their standard policy is to place an adoption on hold until the bio baby is six months, but they are making an exception. An exception we did not ask for. They are allowing us to carry on with the process. Which seriously thrills my heart. I am enjoying pouring myself into the paperwork and the autobiography and the reading, etc.

As it stands tonight, on paper, we are seeking to adopt two children from China. We will likely send our "Letter of Intent" to China around week 20 of my pregnancy. If baby is still doing well, that letter of intent will request one child. Baby is due August 25th...putting me right at 11.5 weeks.

Are you half as shocked as we are? More than ever before I am throwing my hands up and letting go on this insane roller coaster ride we call life. I so naively thought we were calling many of the shots. Getting to this place of abandonment...knowing that His will is good - even when it can cut and hurt so bad - it's just freeing. I hope and pray He will bless us with the birth of a healthy little one and a precious "China baby." And I rest knowing if that is not His will, He is faithful and will sustain us.

Woop woop. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

Before I sign off...there are so many of you reading who have been walking alongside us in your own difficult season of wanting and longing. I so wish I could share our news with you face to face. I would put my arms around you and I promise I'd be crying when I shared. Because I know the sting. I know how the news can take your breath away. I remember my heart plummeting, even skipping a beat when I'd hear news of another friend expecting. You're happy for them, but it just hurts so bad. For many of you who have suffered loss, the due date comes and it goes and still, no baby. And the pain can go so deep. We have been there. My heart aches for you. I am sensitive to the longing that heavily cloaks your frame and I am praying for you.

Happy Thursday, y'all.