Thursday, June 14, 2012

My Heart...It's Nasty

Little Man has his first loose tooth, make that two. I walked in on what you see above...that's YARN tied around his tooth...and I got a hilarious video of them tying the yarn to a doorknob and all the emotional angst that went into preparing to slam the door - and the drama that ensued...and they never slammed the door. Little Man told me in no uncertain terms that video was not going on the blog.

Unfortunately for you, I have to respect that. They've gone the "tie the tooth" route twice now. His tooth is still in place.

She always wakes up so happy...

Actually, sometimes she really does wake up happy, but somedays, not so much.

Little Man has some moves...breaking it down.

Little Bit is "in training." Note her hip hop bunny slippers. The girl likes to dance.

I've been in a funk. We're settled. The house is far from where I hope it'll be one day...but it's further along than it was when we began. I started painting over yellow paint in the entryway today. Woop woop. Honestly though, in my heart, I've been so ungrateful.

I keep looking back. And my speech reflects my ingratitude. Just yesterday someone made a comment about her children having fun playing hide and seek at our house because there were lots of fun places to hide. Do you know how I responded? "Well, Sister says if she hadn't seen the inside of our house, she'd think was haunted." I mean, seriously? That's my response. What the heck?

I think about our baby a lot. There are pregnant mamas everywhere I turn. And new babies. Lots and lots of new babies.

We visited a small group and they asked us to share about ourselves. And there were expectant mamas there and a new baby and this lump welled up in my throat and I wanted to sink deep, deep, deep into the couch and I knew I couldn't even talk or I'd burst into tears.

The Engineer shared...and last, he shared about losing our baby. And I burst into tears. I dug my thumb nails into my fingers and I tensed every muscle I could trying to control the tears and I couldn't. I felt so embarrassed.

I stand at my sink and I wash our dishes and the tears, they well up and spill over and I am so conscious of the fact that my belly isn't swollen with life. That our life today is not what I'd dreamed and imagined and hoped.

We've hired a guy to do some roof work for us. We got to talking. He shared with us that his wife is due with their 14th child this June.

I have two friends, both due in June, both with babies conceived out of wedlock. In my flesh, I struggle to understand - (I know this is harsh and it's in my heart and I have to confess and repent and I apologize if I offend you - because what is in my heart IS offensive) - why do they get this blessing and we don't?

And in my heart, in my soul, I know that God has a beautiful plan. That those babies are part of His perfect plan. That He has great plans for those friends and the lives they carry, the lives He is knitting together.

And then, I'm sick, too, of being sad. I'm not always sad, but it's a grief I carry almost everyday.

I look at these pictures in this post - and I'm like, "how can I be so ungrateful?" My children are precious. If this is God's sovereign will, it is enough. I feel that lump my throat. Because I'm on the fence. My flesh and the Spirit battle. I'm a mess. And I am weak.

I confessed to the Lord that I'm hurt - that He has hurt me...and I have felt distant, knowing He is present, because He will never leave or forsake me. I'm the kid who struggles to keep distant from his parents because in their wisdom and love they withheld something he wanted.

And I think sorrow is okay - to see little ones and feel my heart prick - I'm okay with that. But the coldness in my heart..the distance that, in my flesh, I want from God - and yet I know I don't want distance from God. I love walking closely. I want to be near.

I struggle to trust. To trust He is good. I am afraid. Afraid He will take something else that is precious to me. And yet, again, I argue back at my flesh that His will is always, always, always best. That if I knew the alternative, I'd choose His will Every. Single. Time.

So my due date approaches. And when the children ask if I am pregnant, because they do. Often. The answer is "no." Followed with, "pray for His will for our family."

I know the way we handle this is so, so very important. Little eyes are watching. Sister's especially. And her heart is delicate and she aches, too.

Saturday is our due date. It will come and go and there will be no newborn to caress and nurse. And we are celebrating the girls' birthdays. On that day. Our due date. I have dreaded it. And now I am ready for it. I will write our baby a letter - because I process things by writing - I will write the baby a letter for me. And I pray God will bind up this broken heart. And that He will take away the bitterness. I don't want to be bitter. I can't minister to others going through this if I pierce them with the sharp edge of bitterness.

I'm tired of the reaction that often surfaces in my heart, that it's not fair. Because it isn't fair. The fair comes in November. And by my stupid internal system of weights and scales - in the pride of my heart - I can't believe I'm actually writing this - I think we've done it all right. That we deserve that baby. And that is so wrong. I know that is wrong. I know. My heart - me - I'm deeply sinful, corrupt in every part of my being.

I am ashamed of what's in my heart.

And it prompts me, pushes me to look at the Gospel and I hear a voice in my head scream "QUIT!!!" I'm so foolish to think I can earn God's favor and that His favor equals our baby. The Gospel is Jesus plus NOTHING. It's not me crossing off my little Christian list of do this and don't do thats and have a quiet time and go to church and earn His favor?! But I easily go there...again and again and again. I am so stinkin' prideful and vain. Reality is: He chose me in my sin, not of my own merit, but of His perfect will. It is a mystery. I wouldn't choose me.

There is nothing magical about June 16. But it feels like it's this big thing I've got to get through. I feel like the fog of this funk is lifting and on Saturday, I want it gone. And I pray the Lord will make me hunger and thirst for Him. I pray He will make me long to glorify Him. And perhaps the dread of is worse than the actual?

Reading back over this makes it sound like life is all doom and gloom and it's not. It's so not. But I've been down. And disgustingly ungrateful. And the waters of my heart run deep and are so polluted with sin and self-love.

I'm not depressed. I am ungrateful.

And my baby turns THREE this month! Three!!! She is my "nut-nut!" I'll ask her, "Are you my "nut-nut?" And she'll say, "No! You my nut-nut and I your nut-nut!" (Not sure from where the name came.)

It hit me, penetrated my heart - a few mornings ago - I know the death of our little one is not for naught. I know my heavenly Father is weaving a beautiful tapestry...that this suffering is not in vain. And I wondered if one day I'd get to look back and see how He used our babe to shape us - to move us - to change us. Maybe I'll never see that, or maybe I will. I see glimpses now. Regardless, though my flesh fails me - because it does and I default to the low road, He does not fail me. I love Him. Blessed be His name.

Thank you for bearing with me through this. I say that my heart is nasty not because of the struggle through grief and change, but because in this struggle, I am glimpsing how sinful and wretched my heart is. I know compared to what others are going through - this pales. But for me, it's pretty big right now. I don't want to waste the pain. And journaling and writing - it helps me plunge into the depths of my heart and mind. And when I see what is there, I am so very thankful for the Gospel. It is my only hope. Jesus saves. And He changes people. And salvation is not dependent upon my merit-upon anything I have or haven't done, but that the price, the debt I owe has been paid on my behalf. I couldn't pay it. I am so grateful for my heavenly Father. I pray He will be glorified in and through this, somehow, in the midst of my sin and self love.


  1. My heart truly goes out to you. I've had like three different long comments typed, but deleted them all. Because I remember people encouraging me with empty words and sentiments. I could go the rest of my life without hearing the words "God Would Never Give You More Than You Can Handle." I know the Word, and I know His plan is perfect, and I know He loves me. And from what I can read, I see you know the same. But knowing those truths doesn't remedy pain and grief. It doesn't make you jump for pure joy when your best friend calls you with her positive pregnancy test. But I can remind you that these dark days do not last forever. Joy is still there, just a little overshadowed right now. And that's okay. And even once the dark days are completely be over, you'll still have some "gray sky" moments and that's okay too. I'll be sending lots of prayers for you and your family. Take Care


  2. You are not ungrateful. Or nasty. You have every right to be angry or sad. Being angry is part of the grieving process. Please don't be so hard on yourself - you have had a lot of change on top of losing your little one. What you have been through really is a lot to bear so please be kind to yourself. I think it would be the hardest thing in the world to lose a little one so cut yourself some slack. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife. I am really hoping that one day soon you'll have a precious newborn in your arms again. Not to replace your precious angel baby as this little one is irreplaceable as all babies are. I am praying for you to breathe in the smell of a darling newborn and for that 6th chair at the family dinner table to be filled. I really would like to say something of use but all I can say is that I will pray for you and send you love. Your heart is not nasty, it is hurting so please be kind and gentle to yourself my dear.
    With much love and prayers for you and your sweet family. I will say a special prayer for you and your darling angel on Saturday xxxxxx

  3. I absolutely love and agree with both comments above. And while reading your post, I kept thinking of the children's song, "you are weak but He is strong." You are doing your best and you are remaining faithful. And I know Jesus knows how hard you're trying. xoxo

  4. Praying for you, sweet friend. I really am.

  5. Oh girl, there are so many things I want to comment on in this post. But a big "hug" is all I can send your way.
    I'm so thankful that you spill your heart out on here (as nasty as you think it is). You will never know how many people you touch by being transparent. Big hug to you!


  6. I have been right where you are with the anger, the pain, the grief. While there are no words that I can say that will magically make it all better, I can tell you that I am praying for you. I hope soon you are able to get out of your funk and start to enjoy the little things. I know that's so easy for me to say and so hard to imagine right now.

    Lots of prayers to you.

    And totally unrelated, but the small glimpses of your home look beautiful. Can't wait to see what you do to it!


  7. Your words are always a blessing for me. So real and honest. My struggles are different from yours, but your words ring true none the less. I thank you for your openness.

  8. Precious friend. I do wish I could be there with you to hug you and cry with you. It seems to me that you have not really had time to process it all...SO MUCH has been going on in your lives. This is a process. I am praying for you...and sending you hugs across the miles. You are loved. And our Heavenly Father is carrying you...HE will not forsake you or leave you EVER! Continue to preach the Gospel to yourself. HE is glorified when you do!

    So Much Love,
    Camille XO
    Isaiah 26:3-4

  9. Praying for you and your family. It was 8 years yesterday when Brad left us to be with Jesus. I couldn't help but think of you and your kindness. Hang in there. You are not nasty! God wants us to surrender our thoughts to him because he does care for us more than we can fathom. Thanks for your honesty. On a positive note...your orchid has two blooms:). Love you.

  10. As I was making my bed this morning, a thought of you popped into my head. And I realized it was June and this would be a hard month for you. Praying, Jenn.

  11. My heart aches for you. Just aches. Praying for you, friend.

  12. Thank you for writing this. I am struggling with some major life stuff right now- different from yours, but still major life changes- and I desperately needed this. Thank you for sharing your heart, it spoke to mine.

  13. Your heart is beautiful! I am so glad you can be honest not just on your blog but with the Lord. He already knows our struggles and He loves us just the way we are. Praying for you sweet, never, met you in real life, blog friend!! From your sister in Christ, I will continue to pray for you, especially on Saturday.

  14. Oh, Jenn! Praying for you and T and y'all's precious family! Your transparency speaks volumes. Thank you for sharing. Y'all are on my mind and heart often.
    Jennifer Hart Wendorf

  15. I remember clinging to his promise to comfort those who mourn. In that promise I knew there would soon be relief and healing. Praying it comes quickly. Beauty from ashes.

  16. no words, only hopes and prayers for survival, strength, and love.

  17. me, from the outside, you are handling it in the most beautiful, honest, and wonderful way. I have felt every word you have described...the feeling of we deserve it. The feeling of "it's not fair" seeing others living in disobedience get what I want. It is painful. We are so in need of our Jesus, aren't we?
    And He is indeed refining you. He is not shaking His head, but saying "come my child. only I can heal your womb and your heart."
    I believe you are going to see an amazing ending to this journey. I believe it is going to be so special that God is ok with being understood. And it is ok for us to hurt and not understand.
    I still believe He will place the most perfect and wonderful blessing at that empty chair in your dining room. I'm still praying for it. And I know He listens. So, when you are having a hard day, just remember that your sisters in Christ are still praying for you.

  18. Jenn, I enjoyed your kids last week! Been praying for you, knowing it would be tough. It will get better.
    becky givens

  19. Once again, thank you for your transparent honesty. I imagine you are speaking to the hearts of more people than you know.

    Love and hugs to you. You are a good mama.

  20. I prayed for you and your family for healing and peace. He is so faithful!
    Love and hugs,
    Laurie' m

  21. Jenn,

    I came across your blog from the Cote de Texas post and began reading along. When I came to this post and read on I was instantly in tears. I needed to read this and amazingly He led me to it. We have been struggling with a very similar situation for the past several months and I have had all of the very same feelings and thoughts. I do not know when we will feel "better" or "healed" but reading your story was truly a blessing to me as the past week has been a struggle for me in every way. I needed some sort of guidance and I hate to say my questioning of "why us" and "don't we deserve this" has been overwhelming. Your transparency in your sharing has done so much to help me just in this day. I want to say thank you! My heart aches for you as well and I hope that June is the last of your hurting and your heart will be filled with love and joy from now on.

    Thank you again for sharing and I will be praying for you, your family and your healing.


  22. Your heart is beautiful! I am so glad you can be honest not just on your blog but with the Lord. He already knows our struggles and He loves us just the way we are. Praying for you sweet, never, met you in real life, blog friend!! From your sister in Christ, I will continue to pray for you, especially on Saturday.

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