it's just hard.
I feel lame saying that when I look at my life compared to so many other lives...but the truth is, some seasons are just hard. This seems to be a hard season. And I tend not to blog when there's a lot on my heart.
There's a lot on my heart.
T has worked an insane schedule this past week (ok, week is relative. His "ends" tomorrow, so though tomorrow will be Wednesday, it feels like Friday to me). I called in a sitter for tonight because I needed a little time to breath. Mrs. Sitter is married, and 21 weeks pregnant. She is the oldest of eight. She has experience.
Moments, literally, before she was due to arrive, Sister got a stomach ache and bolted for the bathroom, seconds after finishing, Little Man had an accident. I banished him to the tub, with his handful of almonds, to wait for me...he called to me from the bathroom that there was um, you know, p-o-o-p on the floor. I was like, "what???" So I left Little Bit (to whom I was feeding squash) to investigate. Evidently when sister had her stomach ache, she neglected to flush...and Scout had a little fiesta in the bathroom and left party favors (from the toilet) on the floor...I stuck the wet Little Man in the tub and went to get the lysol so I could begin cleaning up the filth, when I walked into the kitchen and discovered Sister had taken over feeding Little Bit. You might have seen what that looks like. Did I mention the kitchen was a wreck? And there was a knock on the door. Mrs. Sitter. I tried to get things back in order. Sort of. I mean, I pretty much left her with total chaos. I did stay long enough to get the bathroom cleaned up and the kiddos bathed...and then I went to leave, but couldn't find my keys...so glad we have a spare! And off I went. I came home at 9:30 and...all my children were asleep. My house was clean. The dishes were done. My stove was wiped down; the table wiped off and the chairs tucked beneath. I nearly cried.
And Mrs. Sitter told me she'd called her husband to tell him they would not have three children close together. "It's just a lot. I mean, I was trying to feed the baby and Little Man needed me and well, it's just a lot. I mean, I feel sorry for you." (Don't read this wrong...she was being nice.)
When I heard her words, I laughed! Relief. It was so nice to look another woman in the eyes after she'd walked a few hours in my shoes and to know she understood. Like, it was so nice. (And btw, I don't want her to feel sorry for me. I LOVE being home with my children and I am thankful to God and my husband for this opportunity. I would NOT trade this for anything! But, sometimes, it is hard.)
* my kitchen floor after ONE day...
Now, I know many of you have like umpteen kids and handle every single day with total poise and righteousness. My hat is off to you. I however, do not. I thought I was doing alright...and then we had a third child...and then that dog...and now I see my sin like I've never seen it before. I am learning what it means to walk in the Spirit in an entirely new way. I am learning that my flesh cannot and will not sustain me.
Please don't misunderstand my heart on this. I love my husband and our wonderful children, and I would not trade this "job" for any other, however, sometimes, it's just hard. And hard is okay, even good. It keeps me on my knees.