Tuesday, February 9, 2010


it's just hard.

I feel lame saying that when I look at my life compared to so many other lives...but the truth is, some seasons are just hard. This seems to be a hard season. And I tend not to blog when there's a lot on my heart.

There's a lot on my heart.

T has worked an insane schedule this past week (ok, week is relative. His "ends" tomorrow, so though tomorrow will be Wednesday, it feels like Friday to me). I called in a sitter for tonight because I needed a little time to breath. Mrs. Sitter is married, and 21 weeks pregnant. She is the oldest of eight. She has experience.

Moments, literally, before she was due to arrive, Sister got a stomach ache and bolted for the bathroom, seconds after finishing, Little Man had an accident. I banished him to the tub, with his handful of almonds, to wait for me...he called to me from the bathroom that there was um, you know, p-o-o-p on the floor. I was like, "what???" So I left Little Bit (to whom I was feeding squash) to investigate. Evidently when sister had her stomach ache, she neglected to flush...and Scout had a little fiesta in the bathroom and left party favors (from the toilet) on the floor...I stuck the wet Little Man in the tub and went to get the lysol so I could begin cleaning up the filth, when I walked into the kitchen and discovered Sister had taken over feeding Little Bit. You might have seen what that looks like. Did I mention the kitchen was a wreck? And there was a knock on the door. Mrs. Sitter. I tried to get things back in order. Sort of. I mean, I pretty much left her with total chaos. I did stay long enough to get the bathroom cleaned up and the kiddos bathed...and then I went to leave, but couldn't find my keys...so glad we have a spare! And off I went. I came home at 9:30 and...all my children were asleep. My house was clean. The dishes were done. My stove was wiped down; the table wiped off and the chairs tucked beneath. I nearly cried.

And Mrs. Sitter told me she'd called her husband to tell him they would not have three children close together. "It's just a lot. I mean, I was trying to feed the baby and Little Man needed me and well, it's just a lot. I mean, I feel sorry for you." (Don't read this wrong...she was being nice.)

When I heard her words, I laughed! Relief. It was so nice to look another woman in the eyes after she'd walked a few hours in my shoes and to know she understood. Like, it was so nice. (And btw, I don't want her to feel sorry for me. I LOVE being home with my children and I am thankful to God and my husband for this opportunity. I would NOT trade this for anything! But, sometimes, it is hard.)

* my kitchen floor after ONE day...

Now, I know many of you have like umpteen kids and handle every single day with total poise and righteousness. My hat is off to you. I however, do not. I thought I was doing alright...and then we had a third child...and then that dog...and now I see my sin like I've never seen it before. I am learning what it means to walk in the Spirit in an entirely new way. I am learning that my flesh cannot and will not sustain me.

Please don't misunderstand my heart on this. I love my husband and our wonderful children, and I would not trade this "job" for any other, however, sometimes, it's just hard. And hard is okay, even good. It keeps me on my knees.


  1. I know exactly how you feel! I do not handle each day with poise and grace. I have to confess my sin daily at all the times that I fail to do be loving and kind to my children. Messes and children make me crazy some days.

    Having three small children close together is very difficult. You are in the hardest season of your life.

    There are so many needs to be met. When my baby, two year old, and four year old need me all at the same time it is overwhelming. Sometimes I make it through and sometimes I lose it.

    Hang in there! I'm glad you got out. Sometimes we need a change of scenery to appreciate what we have. I am looking forward to that today. My hubby has been gone constantly for a week and a half. I might have had his actual help for five hours of that week and a half. I'm tired, grumpy and need a break.

    BTW, check out my comments about my healing journey with my parent's divorce. I commented on your comment.

    I so love you, J! Thanks for being real!

  2. I would say, "I know how you feel," but I am one child shy of knowing how you feel! And sometimes, I almost lose it! It is such a great thing to be home with kids, but also SO hard at times. Thanks for being so honest about it!

  3. Oh J, this post made me think of Susanna Wesley who is said to have thrown her apron over her head when she needed time with the Father. Mothering is hard and things are only complicated when Daddy's schedule is rigorous.

    Here are some of my most favorite words penned by Annie J. Flint who must have been the mother of multiple young children...

    He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
    He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
    To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
    To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

    When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
    When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
    When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
    Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

    Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
    Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
    Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
    The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

    His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
    His power no boundary known unto men;
    For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
    He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

  4. J, don't feel one bit bad about fleshing out your feelings and emotions! {Not that I can fully understand, having only one child and all} but I know what you mean. My sin is ALWAYS before me, as the Psalmist says. You are doing a great job, and you know as well as I that the Father goes before you and sustains you. Him alone. Nothing else. You are certainly investing in the kingdom with your work in the home! You go girl!!!

  5. Oh, sweet J, you are doing great things in your life and your children's lives! Everyone needs time and moments away to clear their head. God hears you and blesses you - you know this. You are not complaining, just being honest! :D We all love that about you-and I enjoy when you blog from your heart, because it's so easily identifiable.

  6. What a blessing to read a honest episode of another mother's everyday. We have two beautiful, boys...ALL boy boys. It was always my intention to stay at home with mine, just as my mother did with us..but through many prayers, the doors just didn't open that way for us. It's so hard to feel successful as a mother and wife when you have days like the one described..but I have learned that God didn't call me to this role without equipping me with what I needed to do it well. And, somedays, I just need to step back and see the blessings! Thanks for your honesty, it blesses me.

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  8. All I can say is Amen, sister! Thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one who feels that way!

  9. We should call this keepin' it real week. (You and I) Why oh why am I using so much urban slang?? This post will be helpful to the kids when they are raising your grandkids!

  10. I've heard Mrs. Duggar (mother of 19) say that the hardest time of childrearing was when she was home with three young children. After that, she says, the older ones start to get helpful and it all gets easier (realatively speaking!). Hang in there! And I'm glad you called Mrs. Sitter...can she come every week? ;)

  11. Thanks for sharing, I feel that way sometimes with just two. And I have the same pile of stuff on the floor when I sweep with only one of mine mobile! I need to call Ms. Sitter to come here! We arel ooking for sitters this weekend so we can go out for the first time in over a year.

  12. Yay for sitters! You are a wonderful Mom though! I get stressed out about life and I don't have any kids yet! You are a such a Godley Mother and Wife....what an example to your children! Too bad we have to have "rainy" days to get to the "sunny" days! Hope next week is "sunny" for you!

  13. Praying for you J! God is faithful! Do not be hard on yourself ~ you are looking to the right source when you are on your knees. How wonderful that HE is the ONE that gives the grace as we seek HIM for it! (Oh...and I TOTALLY understand!) And there is no such thing as "super mom" ~ really there isn't!

    "...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong."
    II Corinthians 11:9-10

    With Love and prayers,

  14. I owe you a couple baby sitting days whenever we go your way!! You SO need that break every once in a while. I sensed that you were weary and now this post confirms it. You know, IT'S OK TO BE WEARY! :) Please know that I'm praying for you super hard this week, that God will wrap his arms around you and brighten your world. And I'm praying that your little ones will behave for you, too. ;) (I mean that in a nice way.) I am not denying your struggles, no mom is perfect. But by the grace of God, you are a fantastic mom, and that is from my heart. Love you, girl! I'm praying for you! ~Rebekah

  15. I can attest to having days like that many many times over. I agree while we don't enjoy these trials and hard days, it brings us closer to God!

  16. I think I feel this way at some point almost every day...and, uh, I only have ONE child...And a moron cat that likes to meow likes it dying at 3am.
    I think that's why they say motherhood is the hardest job you'll ever love!
    And God ALWAYS wants you on your knees...there is nothing like having children to help push all the sin out of your life and make you realize every day how much we need grace...and forgiveness...and mercy!
    I love the kitchen floor pic. That looks like mine too...usually with something gooey smeared in the middle just to make it a little more difficult.

  17. Hi J! I LOVED reading this post! Yes, it is hard!!!! Life is hard! It doesn't matter if one has 3 children or 15 children. If one is married to Mr. wonderful or not. The Lord wants our hearts and wants us to rely on Him totally and fully. This usually can't happen when everything is going smoothly and wonderfully. He allows and even arranges for these struggles, I believe, to draw us closer to Him, reveal our need for Christ and quite frankly, I think He loves us so much He wants us close ;-) all the time!! At least that is what I am feeling ;-)

    You are doing an amazing 'job', your work will be rewarded, says the Lord! I am sending big hugs your way, tears and prayers. After a good cry or a good cup of coffee drunk at the library where it has to be QUIET, I find it helpful to put on my 'big girl underpants' and do something productive like clean the sink or sweep the floor, but that's just me! ;-) Love you dear sister!!! Have a lovely Christ filled week!

    Clinging to His Faithfulness,

  18. My grandma tells me it snowed twice in northern AL. Did you all get any of the surprise snow???

  19. love love love your honesty.... so much!
    I have days like that too.
    So glad you had your "Mary Poppins" come that specific night.
    I think I need a Mary Poppins moment soon or rather yesterday!
    love you bunches Jenn!

    Makes me love you more, lol!

  21. J- I needed this today! I know that you posted this a while back and I am praying that things are better for you. Thanks for your honesty. I felt like reading this was like you looking at Mrs. Sitter and seeing her concern for you. Thanks for giving me that ounce of love and comfort. Life is hard. Hard when kids are sick, hubies are working, and mamma has no time for herself(not in a selfish way just in a got to get some air)! Thanks. You wont know how I needed to update myself on your blog and read this post made me feel uplifting. J- I love you and am praying for you!!!