Grace

I am learning about grace.

Grace not to judge.

Grace to hold my tongue. 

Grace...to forgive and move on. 

Grace.

And this morning...I cannot stop the tears.

Saturday a baby kitten found its way onto the fence between our yard and our neighbor's yard. That kitten wouldn't let me near it...but MW proceeded to spend the next seven, yes, seven, hours wooing that kitten. By 10:30 that night, the kitten was putty in her arms. She asked if she could keep her...and again, grace...T and I hate cats. Can't stand them. But man, we love our little girl. We were so proud of her. Was there even a question? "Yes, you can keep her. But she has to stay outside." And so, for the past several days MW has spent every waking moment outside caring for "Cookie." She has been solely responsible for the kitten...for feeding and watering, etc. T and I have been amazed and awed as we've looked on. MW seems to have a special way with Cookie. She is the only one who was able to coax Cookie out of hiding...

They've spent hours together in the "tree house." MW has cradled her as they've swung in the swings. She has had more fun with that kitten.

Grace. I hate cats and I've passed judgement as I've watched friends cave to their children's pleas for a kitten. Grace. I did it. I won't be so quick to judge in the future. 

This morning, as T backed out of the driveway to leave for work, he spotted what he thought was a pile of leaves by our back door. A closer look revealed four little white paws. T said his heart absolutely sank. I am sick at my stomach. He came in to tell me and I cried so hard. Not about Cookie, really, but about the heart break my precious little girl is about to experience. Being a mom is so hard. Having children is so hard. Seeing your children hurt...is crushing.

I know her heart is going to be crushed. I am dreading having to tell her. And at the same time, I have this urge to bolt upstairs and gather her in my arms and tell her right now. But I'm not going to. I'm going to let her sleep a little longer.

We weighed our options and decided (live and learn) we had no choice but to tell her the truth. At a little before 6am, T knocked on our neighbor's door and asked permission to bury Cookie in her backyard (for fear Scout might dig in our yard...), and sweet Caroline told us to bury her wherever we wanted to. T picked a spot MW will be able to see from her "tree house" and marked the spot with two bricks. He told me he was really careful with her and buried her little body curled up, just like she liked to do in MW's lap.

I am so sad. My heart hurts so bad because I know how bad MW's heart is going to hurt. Like...it's breaking. I feel like I might throw up. (I wonder how I'd handle this if I wasn't almost 39 weeks preg.)

And then grace again. I didn't get a post up on MW's birthday. My mom worked so hard to keep everything even. And I pushed for it, too. (My wickedly sinful heart!) I posted on T3's birthday...and on T's birthday. This year, it was all I could do to pull off a birthday party for MW on her birthday...I was so exhausted after the party, that I didn't even touch the dishes. Chips and confetti carpeted the dining room floor until last night. (That is NOT like me.) Grace, grace, grace. I wonder, will MW feel less loved because I didn't do a birthday post for her on her birthday? Oh I hope not. I love that little girl with all my heart! Grace, grace, grace. Please. Grace.

With a third little one due so soon, I've been driven by this fear that if I don't get some things done now, it will be years before I'll get to do them. Hence my lack of blogging over the last few weeks. I made a giant "to do" list and have been diligently working to accomplish each task. I'm nearly there. 

This incident with the kitten has snapped me back to reality, in a sense. All of the sudden the "to do" list just isn't so important. I'm far more consumed with my little girl's heart and loving her well during this time. All of the sudden, I don't really care if I get that table or bookshelf painted. I just want to love and live and enjoy these days with my children and husband.

So...grace. I'm learning a lot about grace. 

And oh, God, please, please, please give me wisdom as I tell MW about Cookie. Please prepare her heart...ease her pain and help me to love her well.